A Department of Health investigation has revealed a shocking trade in extracted teeth at dental practices nationwide. 'Dental surgeons have been forced to seek out new disposal channels for their gruesome fare,' said government health official Dee Chambers, 'as the use of extracted teeth in the construction of dentures has dropped significantly.'
'Patients are typically preferring a bright white, flawless "Hollywood smile" these days,' said one dentist from Basildon, 'and our old technique of setting misshapen, yellow-stained teeth in a receding resin base for an authentic British look has virtually disappeared.'
With UK dentists searching for new revenue streams, and dwindling ivory supplies across the African subcontinent, an inevitable replacement for elephant tusks has emerged.
Some surgeries have been caught melting down stockpiles of extracted teeth and remoulding them into replica elephant tusks before grinding them into dust. Globally, ivory poachers are up in arms, citing a massive drop in revenue. 'This new source of ivory has really affected my margins', fumed one poacher, 'These UK dentists have flooded the Chinese medicine market with ground ivory virtually indistinguishable from the real thing, apart from the occasional raspberry pip.'
'The price of UK tooth exports has rocketed recently,' explained Mrs Chambers, 'so ivory poachers are taking alternate routes to obtain cheaper goods. They are arranging visits to the UK under the pretence of taking part in golfing tournaments, but we have seen a massive increase in pliers attacks on UK residents during these pre-arranged matches, particularly on goofy people.'
'The bathtards aththacked withth mould-gripth and thook my thole mouththul,' explained one victim.
Accusations of malpractice have also been raised in the UK, however, after several unscrupulous dentists were caught extracting more valuable 'flawless' teeth without medical reason. 'If they find a perfect tooth, the temptation amongst dental surgeons is to whip it out and pocket it,' explained Mrs Chambers.
'We urge people to start treating their dental surgery with the same distrust as they would with their motor mechanic. Patients should ask to examine the removed parts to assure themselves that their surgery is only extracting where necessary, although to be honest, without having the proper training, it could be difficult to tell whether that maxilliary first premolar he just yanked out is actually stuffed or not.'