The best way to make young men stay indoors all day not getting involved in any trouble is to give them a job in the police force, says a new report from Zeitgeist Think Tank.
Zeitgeist researchers visited a number of police stations and spent hours in the canteens talking to young plods. They identified a distinct gang culture, where society was divided into two opposing societies. The Uniforms are made up of smaller street gangs such as the woodentops, the Specials and the community PCs (AKA Da Happy Shopper Coppuz).
A more brutal group of coppers, rarely seen in uniform unless collecting an award for rescuing a kitten from a tree, is found in the upstairs of police stations and in pubs. They go by gang names such as Fraud Squad, Operation Trident and Da ForenZic Lab Boys.
Some police like to go to the cinema and watch porn films, but only when they're being paid. Others like to drive on the motorway, filming car thieves for TV shows.
The only thing they all have in common is they sit in doors all day, eating donuts, drinking and messing with paperwork. But it keeps them out of trouble. Some of the uniforms have shown an amazing capacity for setting up video cameras. Others have pursued successful media careers.
But what unified them all is that they have absolutely no stomach at all for getting involved with burglary, street robbery or riots. We'll leave that to the public, joked one.
'We found that giving young men a uniform, a newspaper and a place to hang out was all they needed to keep them out of trouble," said a researcher. "Give these young people a job and I guarantee you, you'll never see them on the streets again."