French President Nicolas Sarcozy is considering nationalising Disneyland Paris, to prevent foreign visitors being surprised at its inherent 'frenchness'.
Despite the best efforts of Disneyland's American owners, the resort still shows some signs of French culture, particularly in areas such as customer service, toilet cleanliness and shrugging and walking off. But rather than seeing these challenges as a problem, Sarcozy aims to amplify them, and make them an even bigger attraction than a wine-soaked, sweating backpacker in a mouse outfit.
"President Sarcozy is keen to promote the unique culture of France, and to address the encroaching americanisation of our great country" slurred a government spokesman, before yawning and taking a nap for two hours. "Now get out, before I call the gendarmes, or try to shag you."
The focus will shift from the upbeat, positive image of Mickey Mouse, and will instead 're-imagine' many of the Disney Classics. Snow White will now take centre stage, along with a new set of dwarves. Angry, Strikey, Lazy, Mimey, Smokey, Shruggy and Drunk will make very unscheduled appearances throughout the park, occasionally assaulting the more pushy visitors who attempt to photograph them.
"Short people with deep character flaws have been very important throughout France's history", explained the spokesman, through a thick fug of smoke. "But this is not just about our great personalities."
"We also intend to replace the bland, dreary American fast food with authentic, cruel french food. From force-fed goose livers to crushed ducks, glued-up sparrows and brandy-drowned buntings, we'll really freak out the foreign kids. Would you pass me that snail hammer, please? This one is still breathing."
The rides have also been revised. Gone are the twisting rollercoasters, which are said to be bad for digestion and cause high levels of wine spillage. Instead, one long, boring ride has been added, which features random fines at the end for trumped up petty rule infringements. "It was really exciting", explained Julie Wimple from Derbyshire. "We were fined 200 Euros for not having reflective jackets, and thinking of the wrong shape. Strangely, none of the french seemed to be affected."
The success of the park is assured, but a representative was cagey when asked if he expected long queues. "Long queues? Of course, yes, we know how you english love to queue. In fact, we have built special queuing areas just for you, where you can watch the rest of us pushing and shoving our way to the front."
The park is expected to open and close randomly thoughout the Autumn, depending on the whim of the unions. "We know you will come anyway, where else will you take the kids? Blackpool? We have you at our merci. It is, how you say, 'completely Gaulling'."