A Top Secret training manual for London Taxi Drivers, entitled ‘I won’t go south of the river’, has been discovered by party activists clearing up after a Lib Dem Election Rally and handed to News Biscuit.
The document includes details of how a taxi driver should treat of members of the public. They should never open the windows, except in extreme cold weather, they should only speak in a low mumble, never turning their head, and in rainy conditions always park next to a puddle, then wait at least thirty seconds before allowing the doors to open.
They are advised not to carry change for a twenty pound note, to complain about the government throughout the trip, and to claim they had someone famous in the back of their cab last week, insisting that they were a ‘right plonker’.
The document also includes the secret formula of the exact proportions of sweat, stale beer and curry which produces that distinctive ‘back of a taxi’ smell in hot weather.
A Spokesperson for the Hackney Carriage Drivers Association commented, ‘Leave it out gov, I blame it all on the parents’.