QPR are haggling with Tottenham to pick up a bargain Peter Crouch.
Local lad Peter Crouch was given the moniker 'Rodney' by Rangers fans when he first displayed his lanky frame down Shepherd's Bush:
"Crouchie was a dead ringer for Rodney Trotter from Only Fools And Horses", explained entrepeneur Willy Scrote from East Acton.
Now cockney wheeler dealer 'Arry Redknapp wants to earn a few quid by outing the beanpole footballer to Stoke.
But Crouchie has got the hump with all the horse trading:
"I'm sick of flogging crap down markets every day 'Arry, i want to better meself."
'Arry is having none of it and has told Crouchie that his accountant Daniel Levy needs to balance the books:
"Get yer head down son and this time next year we could both be millionaires."
But Crouchie does not want to up sticks and has complained to 'Arry:
"I've already got a big house in Weybridge and am shacked up with a fit Superbra model. Sod Stoke. I want to play for a glamour club like QPR."
According to an insider who works for the BBC, 'Arry Redknapp has told QPR manager Neil Warnock:
"You can have Crouchie if you pay his 70 grand a week wages and bung me a monkey in a brown envelope."
But Warnock is no mug punter himself and does not want to get tucked up in a dodgy deal:
"A monkey! you're having a giraffe" he told 'Arry Boy.
But 'Arry Boy had the last word and has told Warnock:
"Do me a favour! You will be the one having a giraffe if you sign Crouchie."