With Britain's prisons filling to bursting point following the summer riot season, the Ministry of Justice has revealed that it intends to introduce new prisoner compression techniques to reduce overcrowding.
Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly outlined the plans to shrink - quite literally - the prison population whilst allowing increasing numbers of offenders to be held.
"I always say that pain means gain, and gain is good, Good is desirable. But desire, like pain, is bad. We have therefore decided to freeze-dry as many prisoners as possible by introducing a pain/desire-free remand-prisoner/hot-wire mesh-propulsion system that will allow up to 250 freeze-dried inmates - or primates as Ken calls them - to share a single cell, or as we call it, tub.
The freeze-dried inmates are then mixed with a variety of powdered cup-a-soup and pot-noodle type powders to preseve their hypothetical strength until they can be released into a water-filled vessel such as a toilet bowl to be rehydrated prior to release, assuming that an overly zealous prison official does not accidentally press the 'flush' button just to be on the safe side, or has offered them to the prisoner's visitors who then drank them when accidentally stored in an old Gold Blend jar."
Critics of the scheme have said it is "Tantamount to cremation" said Djanogly "But we disagree as there is a far higher chance of a body recovering from cremation than from our new prisoner compression process."
Freeze-dried prisoners found to be innocent on appeal are to be allowed to become integrated into surprise expanding fun sponges given away with children's magazines "Their families will be amazed as its volume increases by 1000%" said Djanogly "As will Ken as he is waiting to turn right off the Chelsea bridge and his government car windscreen is cleared by rehydrated remnants of a wrongly convicted looter."