The latest South West Trains performance figures have failed a random drugs test carried out by the Office of Rail Regulation.
The figures for customer satisfaction, cancellations & delays, and efficiency all tested positive for the banned substance nandrolone. Results are awating a second round of testing for corroboratation, and if these match the first tests then SWT will see financial penaties imposed and will be withdrawn from all qualification rounds for the upcoming XXIV Passenger and Freight Train Olympiad.
This is not the first time that the operating companies figures have been embroiled in controversey; a review carried out in 2009 found "a culture within operations that both turned a blind eye towards roid (steroid) abouse by the staticians, and at worst actively encouraged managers to pump their statisticians full of anabolic roids".
Whilst not illegal, regulations have since been introduced to discourage such practises, for although a link between roid abuse and performance massaging has never been proven, such abouse has led to the death of over 600 railway franchise statisticians since 2005. A whistleblower at the time said that many statisticians were so pumped and hardcore that "they were only recognisable as statisticians by their poor social skills, glasses and leaky biros."
As a precaution regulators have downgraded SWT key performance indicators from fucking awesome to average.