The Metropolitan Police has confirmed that nearly 1,000 Elvis impersonators have been arrested in the wake of the riots that shocked London last week.
‘These fat buggers have nothing to do with the riots, mostly,’ said interim Met chief Tim Godwin. ‘But while we’re out there arresting people for nicking laptops and trainers we thought we might as well do some good, so we launched ‘Operation Paunchy Jumpsuit’ to clear the streets of these crooning threats to public order.’
The move was met with wide approval on Twitter and other social networking sites. Fears that those Elvis impersonators still at large would use Blackberry Messenger to organise violent resistance seem to have been unfounded. A bystander in Stratford, east London, said: ‘I did see a gang of Elvises standing around outside JD Sports, but luckily they were all doing post-Aloha from Hawaii Elvis, so their pudgy cheeseburger-stuffed fingers couldn’t punch out coherent messages on those tiny keyboards.’
Home Secretary Theresa May said: ‘If this government achieves nothing else, and it probably won’t, then at least people will be safer than ever from appalling renditions of A Big Hunk o’ Love and unwarranted spandex.’ She is understood to have given detailed guidance to senior police officers to prevent the accidental arrest of Boris Johnson, whose throaty mumbling and shambolic barnet were found to be ‘dangerously reminiscent’ of Elvis by a Home Office inquiry in 2004. ‘Tubby, rambling, incoherent, and increasingly losing his grip on fame,’ Mrs May said. ‘I know Boris isn’t worried about being mistaken for Elvis, but I say if it happened to John Prescott it can happen to anybody.’