Following suggestions that Arsene Wenger flouted his latest touchline ban by relaying phone messages to players via his assistant, UEFA have called for the Arsenal boss to watch his team’s next clash against Liverpool from the International Space Station .
The Arsenal manager faces further censure after the footballing body were shown additional footage of a besuited Wenger creeping a long row B on his hands and knees, shouting “Pssst!” in the general direction of Daniel Van Persie.
Wenger will also be asked to explain footage of a paper aeroplane being launched towards the back four with the words “PUSH UP” scrawled across it in biro.
UEFA believe the only way to put a stop to Wenger’s antics is to place him as far away from the ground as possible - in a geostationary orbit at a distance of 330 km above the Emirates stadium .
The Arsenal boss now faces a punishing fitness regime in order to become the first Frenchman in space and take his place amongst the twenty or so cosmonauts and a PE teacher from Stoke on Trent
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish, however, remains skeptical, and claimed a weightless Wenger would try to dispense his touchline wisdom via a ropey satellite link that cuts out every five minutes.
Meanwhile, ISS Head Cosmonaut Alexei Yuronov, a Dynamo Kiev fan, said
“During his stay Arsene will be expected to help out with a number of space-related chores such as growing wheat in zero gravity and cleaning out the length of piping which connects my arsehole to the effluent chamber. “
Last night UEFA warned Wenger against making any attempt to pass instructions to his team as he passes over Central London once every ninety minutes.
Considerably overweight UEFA boss Sepp Blatter said,
“Any attempt by Wenger to use the craft’s solar panels to flash to his players in some kind of freaky extra-terrestrial morse code could result in the certain deaths of the entire crew and a possible five match ban.’