Saint-in-waiting James Murdoch, son of Rupert the Blameless, has had his application for beatification delayed while crucial test results are re-analysed by a committee of malleable priests, or MPs.
Anxious to prove the saintliness of Mr Murdoch beyond all doubt when assessing his credentials last month, the MPs sought a miracle. Having heard that James was so pure that butter would not melt in his mouth, they organised a foolproof test.
Father John Whittingdale, leader of the committee, said they had arranged for James to sit in front of them and put a spoonful of butter in his mouth. If it did not melt after ten minutes, they would have all the proof they needed.
‘As far as I was concerned, the results were conclusive,’ said Whittingdale. ‘We were even issued by Rupert with woollen masks to protect our eyes from James’s divine radiance during the procedure. We duly handed over the butter, pulled the wool over our eyes and waited. Throughout the test, Rupert assisted by repeatedly telling us how the butter was not melting at all, and at the end of it we found the butter, still completely solid, on the table in front of James.’
In fact, official transcriptions show that a small amount of the butter had melted, but James had said that was the result of a single rogue warm-mouthed demon in the room, who had already been sacrificed for the greater good. Now, some sources are suggesting that James had failed to disclose a refrigerator in his mouth or may even have not put the butter in at all.
The MPs are now expected to fall back on the defence that the beatification process cannot officially take place until the subject is dead, when the butter test could not possibly fail. To their surprise, offers to assist in the process have been flooding in.