David Cameron has hit out at critics who’ve labelled his plan of reintroducing national service for Britain’s looting classes as ‘just another way to steal more shit from countries we’ve invaded’.
The proposal, which could see thousands of disenfranchised shoplifters deployed into highly sensitive and already-mostly-on-fire areas, has alarmed local residents and officials.
Nawala al Mutawali, director of the National Museum of Iraq, is particularly concerned. “What if they get it into their heads that this place contains Reebok or smart-phones rather than useless priceless Mesopotamian relics? We’ll be overrun. My only hope is that they’ll panic and flee once they realise they’re in a museum.”
Another Baghdad resident seemed resigned to the impending wave of lawlessness, “It’ll be carnage. It won’t be long before this place looks like Lewisham high street. Plus they’ll no-doubt steal all the shoes meaning we're going to have to find something else to hit statues with.”
Meanwhile, Shadow Secretary of State for Defence, Jim Murphy, was damning about revised army recruitment videos that have been created to accompany the initiative. “For one thing, they’re just knocked-off copies of The Hurt Locker with ‘Hurt’ scribbled out and ‘Foot’ written above it.”
The Prime Minister, however, was quick to refute the growing objections. “Sending these kids to war comes with loads of benefits; like not having to pay out their benefits for starters. Plus, we won’t have to buy them any new equipment as they’re more than capable of stealing their own.”
He continued, “Plus, most of them are already fully-versed in urban warfare, not to mention advanced traffic cone and pub-umbrella attack techniques. And, as an added bonus, I doubt many people will give a shit if they end up exploded or shot.”
In concluding, he addressed the nub of many critics’ anxiety, “Ok, so they might steal the odd telly here and there or maybe some cheap tracksuit bottoms, but that’s not the point – at least this gets them off the streets. Well, our streets anyway. They better keep their thieving little hands off the oil though – that’s ours!”