Prime Minister David Cameron today admitted to the British people that he feels their relationship isnt working out but that it is clearly their fault and not his.
I hope we can still be friends he said addressing the nation but let me be clear if we are going to have any kind of future together you need to sort yourself out. Suggesting that I could be in any way responsible for you behaving like arseholes is typical of the crap I have put up with from you day in day out. Youve ruined this holiday for me.
A spokesperson for Number 10 said Dave is just feeling really really let down by you at the moment. When he first saw you in that hoodie all he wanted to do was throw his arms around you. Now hed like to throw a net around you you pig-ignorant chip guzzler.
Mr Cameron reeled off a catalogue of things he said were damaging the relationship including Irresponsibility. Selfishness. Rimming. Children without fathers. Crime without punishment. Games without frontiers. Behaving as if your choices have no consequences. Your nagging all the fucking time. Rights without responsibilites and never taking the bloody recycling out which means I always have to do it.
Sarah Mills agony aunt with Gush magazine said It isnt as simple as saying oh my god what a bastard. Ok so one minute hes saying to the police I love you youre amazing and then the next hes saying ooh its always got to be about you and what you want... Actually come to think of it it is that simple.
Labour leader Ed Milliband assured the public he had never liked Mr Cameron anyway and that hed tried to warn you off having anything to do with him from the start. I dont want to say I told you said Mr Milliband because I already tend to use the same set of stock phrases over and over again. Might I just add at this point the word unacceptable.
Meanwhile the Prime Minister refuted allegations that he has been involved in an inappropriate relationship with American police chief Bill Bratton.
A Conservative party source explained Look theyre just friends and even if there were anything going on could you blame him the way you have all been behaving lately. To use a completely pointless analogy if David were to bring in a foreign super-cop to run everything it would be no different to bringing in a foreign manager to look after the England football team. And look at all the World Cups weve won since we started doing that.
Mr Bratton insists that there needs to be a two-prong approach to tackling gun culture and juvenile crime which is firstly to shoot more people and secondly ensure most of them are a lot younger.
Speaking to the press earlier today Mr Cameron dismissed suggestions that needed to engage in a little soul-searching. He assured his audience that he knew exactly where it was and that it was perfectly safe with News International.