In sickening scenes shopping pensioners were today being charged by lines of fully trained retailers in south London. "These people think they can get away with murder" said 72 year old Stanley, an unemployed pensioner from Camberwell as he left a Primark store in Elephant & Castle. "They don't charge young people like this" he added. Disguised with a silk headscarf, and armed with a handbag, his wife, Vera, also unemployed, said "we feel ignored by society".
Meanwhile, on nearby Walworth Road, looters expressed their outrage at the local unshuttered 99p Store having been replaced with a fully shuttered 98p Store overnight. "It lowers the tone of the area" said Stacey, a 22 year old professional looter from Surbiton, Surrey. "It used to be so nice around here, with none of the crowds you see in Brixton",
Concern has been expressed by the government recently at the growing number of aspirational foreign retailers such as Primark, H&M and TK Maxx invading Britain's high streets, along with the growth of copycat retailers like Poundland. "We need to make sure the planning system is working in the interests of local people" said Eric Pickles' MP, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government. "These parasitic retailers have absolutely no stake in British society" he declared.
Responding to demands in the media, the Home Secretary, Theresa May, announced last night that the police had been mobilised in order to prevent "so called 'shoppers' taking unhindered control of Britain's streets this weekend".