It has been revealed by the minister for transport that the government has been worried for sometime about the falling morale of the nation's older residents, especially with the increase in fuel costs and general cost of living. In an attempt to bring the pensioners, and more importantly their votes, back to the fold they are proposing the banning of overtaking on our pavements.
'The effect on pensioner's morale of constantly being overtaken by youths which they know full well are not as good as the youths were when they were young and are probably off up to to no good anyway cannot be over emphasised,' explained the government's minister for perambulation, 'not only that but mumbling at them and pointing your walking stick no longer supplies the satisfaction it used to now that most of the younger generation wear MP3 players. We have simply decided to give something back to the people that helped to build our nation, and its pavements.'
It has also been decided that a speed limit should be set and a two year study, which has cost tax payers several million pounds has, very slowly, decided that the top speed for our urban pathways should be set as the average speed of a randomly chosen OAP; Miss Edith Hughes, 89, from Birstwick. Opponents of the idea are suggesting that, although it may reduce the number of fatal collisions on our walkways, this is simply too slow and may even effect the productivity of the country as a whole. A government spokesman, after eventually turning up, had this to say on the matter.
'It is true that Miss Hughes moves very slowly, however she also has to stop every hundred metres or so for a rest, we could have included this time when working out her average speed but we did not, this was our way of giving a little something back to the younger generation. Furthermore Miss Hughes may not move quickly but she is renowned for always getting to where she wants to be and very rarely arrives anywhere sweaty. This could be a blessing to us all.'
When questioned Miss Hughes herself was all for the new scheme.
'It's nice to see a bit of power being handed back to the elder generation,' said stated, whilst sharpening her walking stick,'these youngsters get the best of everything, at least I'll get a chuckle every time I look back and see a queue of them behind me. Those bastards ain't going to get anywhere on pension day. Would you like a biscuit?'
The new rules are due to be introduced within two years and with such a short amount of time to get the nation ready changes are already in progress to adjust the country's pavements.
'Some of our older residents may not be able to reach speeds anywhere near the average speed of Miss Hughes. To help solve this problem we are introducing speed troughs on uphill inclines, enabling the slower movers to get a bit of speed up and thus not inconvenience those behind any more than is required. We are also increasing the number of traffic police patrolling our walkways, anyone caught overtaking will be stopped and forced to go all the way round the long way.'
This is not an entirely new idea, a similar scheme was introduced in an area of Amsterdam last year but results were deemed to be inclusiveness as none of the residents appeared to notice.