The Government has announced a radical new measure to assist exhausted police and force young rioters out of our towns and cities. Operation Battenburg will see thousands of elderly ladies take to the street in order to find and apprehend youngsters who are committing violent and criminal acts.
Operation Battenburg has already garnered much celebrity support with Anton Du Beke and Dale Winton promising to take to the streets tonight. Winton and Du Beke have both promised they will travel to whichever city needs them the most in order to rally the groups of ladies, boost morale and shout “Bring on the Nans!” at the start of each operation.
Battenburg has already got thousands of volunteers with some WI and Mother’s Union groups busing in whole fleets of Grandmas equipped with refreshments to trouble spots. Some ladies have said they will bring wooden spoons with them for defence but most have said they are not worried about the risks involved having lived through a war and a Thatcher government.
Speaking this morning Mrs Mary Wiltshire, retired headmistress and grandmother to five said “I’ve lived long enough not to be frightened off by a gang of naughty boys and girls. I intend to just roll up my sleeves and find the little buggers before sending them home with a clip round the ear and a piece of my mind!”
Police have asked any people taking to the streets to try and refrain from physical violence against looters but they have also said they would be ‘highly unlikely’ to press charges against any pensioner causing minor injury to the ears of youngsters.