Senior looters have returned early from their summer riots to apologise to local communities across England for unleashing a wave of visits by annoying, insincere politicians.
There was widespread anger with the looters yesterday evening, after a series of unscheduled walkabouts by thugs including Hampstead ringleader ‘Red’ Ed Miliband, London gang kingpin Theresa ‘Ask The Pigs’ May, and a shadowy, rarely-seen figure known only as ‘Prime Minister the Rt Hon David Cameron MP’.
‘We have to accept that we were not prepared for the consequences of our actions,’ said a senior looter in Ealing, west London. ‘I took the decision to kick in the windows of my local Comet and help myself to a couple of MacBook Airs in good faith, but I might have done things differently if I had known this would lead to Boris ‘the Mayor’ Johnson descending on the neighbourhood within hours, spreading chaos and confusion and terrorising local businesspeople in Latin.’
Residents in Balham, south London, were shocked after Harriet Harman appeared unexpectedly at around 2pm, causing thousands of pounds’ worth of irritation and shattering windows at the local Holland & Barrett with her blunt feminist agenda. In Ilford, east London, around 100 local people stood together in the High Street with brooms and dustpans to see off an attempted walkabout by the deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, although many weren’t sure whether he was actually there or not as his arrival made virtually no difference to anybody.
Efforts are being made to shore up the looters' presence tonight with an additional 6,000 nine- to sixteen-year-olds being brought in from the Home Counties to support the metropolitan rioters. But tensions are already mounting in the central suburb of Westminster, where around 650 politicians are reported to be gathering in preparation for a whole afternoon of mindless outrage and violent expostulation. 'We'll do what we can to contain these yobs,' said one looter. 'But you have to remember that these people will stop at nothing to get what they want - we can't guarantee public safety if they set Vince Cable on us.'