Prime Minister David Cameron has returned to London as the dearth of any silly season in the printed and broadcast media continues into its fifth week. The PM is set to be joined by the entire cabinet, as parliament sits in an emergency session to discuss the absence of great white sharks off the Blackpool coast, killer chipmunks, and images of Anthea Turner discovered on potato waffles.
‘This is deeply concerning for all of us’ remarked Boris Johnson via Skype from a cyber café in Lanzarote, shortly before boarding a coach to the airport. ‘London’s economy is heavily reliant on these few summer weeks of fatuous tosh. Without stories about squirrels on amphetamine sulphate and local councils banning firemen from pole dancing between blazes the capital could soon be entering a double dip whimsy-recession.’
It is understood that the coalition are ruling out importing whimsical faux-news from overseas agencies to kick-start the silliness. ‘This is a grave situation, but continued reliance upon cute stories from Japan about penguins shopping for groceries is no solution at all’ declared Home Secretary Teresa May to reporters ‘We need to face the declining frivolity-production levels head-on. This country is world-renowned for its outstanding summer-production of journalistic fatuousness.’
‘Whatever regulatory bodies may say to the contrary, the UK will always be an ‘Aaaww!’ country’ added Mrs May defiantly, before pulling the covers off the promised photo-opportunity ‘Look everybody: an Indian Running Duck on a Segway! Aaaww!’