Rioters in London’s inner cities have been warned that if they engage in any more trouble the police will release a polar bear.
‘We have been more than patient with these people,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘Releasing a ferocious 1500 lb carnivore into the area is the only language they will understand.’
Under new emergency powers riot police will be able to deploy a specially trained bear to disperse crowds and maintain public order. Each bear has been given strict instructions to chase arsonists, looters or anyone who just looks a bit tasty.
A number of bears have already been deployed in various hot spots including behind the counter at TK Maxx, disguised as luxury rugs in Carpetright and hiding in the sock bin at JD Sports.
‘Of course the polar bear is a lethal killing machine,’ said police bear handler, Sergeant Mike Dickin, ‘but people should not be concerned. They will only attack you if you run, or stand still, or do anything at all.’
Doubts about the scheme have already been raised by writer and broadcaster Darcus Howe. ‘This is so insensitive,’ he said. ‘The police have a problem with young black youths and they choose to bring out a white bear. How typical. Where are the black bears?’
Claims of institutionalised racism were rejected by Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin: ‘We tried out a number of different coloured bears – black bears, brown bears and even koala bears. But the polar bear was by far the most effective deterrent. They are very patient predators and will often sit for hours outside a looted shop waiting for a criminal to emerge before launching their attack.’
Meanwhile, early experiments with a grizzly had to be abandoned after it ran off and began looting Waitrose in search of salmon.
However, due to cutbacks some police forces have been unable to afford their own polar bear and have had to use community support pandas. ‘Like PCSOs the pandas don’t have the same power as a polar bear,’ explained the Home Secretary, ‘but many criminals still find them cute and will often stop rioting to say "Aaah!" as they watch them sit in a corner chewing leaves.’
Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the move: ‘Public confidence will soon be restored,’ he declared, ‘and with polar bears patrolling our streets we have yet another opportunity to re-launch the Big Society, albeit this time with everyone taking part safely barricaded away inside their homes.’