The Queen and senior members of the Royal Family are being given emergency training in the intelligible pronunciation of 'riot' in order to respond effectively to the week's events in London.
The Royal household has had some difficulty communicating its views on the unrest, which members have been referring to as 'raahting'. The offer of elocution lessons was prompted by Downing Street after an awkward phone call from the Queen left prime minister David Cameron, on holiday in Tuscany, unclear that there was a problem in London. 'I did have a phone call from the Queen on Saturday night,' Mr Cameron said. 'She was going on about raahting which I thought was some kind of street dance craze, so I didn't think it was worth flying home for.'
It is understood that the emergency search for a translator led to the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, being summoned home from his three-week break in St Lucia. ‘Boris was the only person we could think of who is fluent in both posh and common,’ said a Downing Street aide. ‘We did call round the Cabinet first but we just couldn’t find a single chap on the list who wasn’t a ruddy down-to-earth thoroughly everyday man-on-the-street type just like our homies Dave and Nick, and them mo'fos don't speak no word of posh between them though, is it.’
The two-day course in additional syllables may even equip the Royal family to speak more clearly on a number of other matters. ‘Our main aim is to get the Duchess of Cornwall to be understood by the locals when she goes around condemning the raahts and clambering sympathetically over piles of debris in Lewisham,’ said a Palace aide. ‘But it would be a real bonus if they could be made to understand other common English phrases like ‘ite-of-touch,’ ‘pintless’ and ‘scringers’.’