After two nights of unprecedented rioting and arson, the Met Police have unveiled their new weapon in the fight to restore order to the streets of London: Michael Winner.
In what the Police are referring to as Operation Patronise, Mr Winner will be lowered from Police helicopters over trouble hotspots where, clutching a barely-necessary megaphone, he will implore locals to “Calm down, dears” adding “It’s only the shooting of some black guy in a minicab.”
Several commentators have criticised the idea of using a patrician white man to tell people what to do in a largely black area but the Met defended the decision saying, “It’s no different from what the Brits did in Zimbabwe for decades and that turned out alright, didn’t it?”
Tottenham community leader and pastor, Femi Olungwe, said, “The Police tactics are wrong. They should just have threatened to start showing those e-sure ads on TV again and everyone would have stopped rioting immediately.”
Asked about the likely success of the operation, Chief Inspector Jane Sands said, “Either people will listen to Michael and stop kicking in the windows at Argos or someone might shoot him. So it’s win-win really.”