This is still my personal favourite among my many failures:
Women still facing discrimination, say uptight feminist whingebags
Despite extensive sex equality legislation and numerous court battles down the years, women are still being discriminated against in virtually every field of work and urgent action is needed to redress the balance. Such was the conclusion of a new five-year study by three female academics who have all got their tightly padlocked knickers in a right twist as usual.
'We studied the career paths of control groups of 500 men and 500 women who entered the workplace in 1998 and the results were alarming,' announced Dr Jessica Owen of Reading University, 34, a mousey brunette who is probably on the shelf now, though she might not look too bad if she got rid of those awful glasses. 'Discrimination is still rife in every area of the job market.'
According to co-author Dr Susan Gill of Liverpool John Moores University, men and women start on broadly similar salaries but women have typically fallen behind after five years, by 10-15% in the police and emergency services, 8-10% in health care and 5% in the civil service. Only in the media, where there are relatively larger numbers of women - and more attractive ones who are more likely to put out - is the differential not statistically significant.
Gill, a stunning 27-year-old blonde sociologist who appeared at the launch of the report in a white blouse, knee-length blue skirt and sheer stockings showcasing her long and slender legs, added that the other major areas of concern are that womens' performance is still judged to a large degree on their appearance and lack of adequate childcare facilities at most workplaces.
Gill declined to comment on whether or not she has any children herself. Or a boyfriend. Calls to establish why she is bothering her pretty little head about this silly nonsense were not returned at press time.
'The enduring problem for women at work is that they are judged as either 'frumps' or 'tarts' based on how they dress,' said the third author, Dr Mary McKenzie. 'This means that what they have to contribute all too often goes unnoticed,' added the 40-year-old hatchet-faced obvious carpet-muncher from the University of Hull.
The report did not examine the issue of if women were paid as much as men they wouldn't just fritter it away on shoes. Nor did it look at the pay differentials between men and women in the porn sector, where the women earn up to five times more for just lying there and making moaning noises than the poor blokes who have to keep an erection going all day and pop on cue. Apparently.