MPs' say they have no plans to call Piers Morgan for questioning over the hacking of Heather Mill's phone; while they struggle to decide which of the bare-faced whopper-mongers they should believe.
Tory MP John Wittingdale, head of the media committee, said: "From anyone else these accusations would prompt very serious questions, but unfortunately from Mills they just make you roll your eyes, stick your fingers in ears and go la, la, la. We're dealing with a woman who, even if she told you herself that she only had the one leg, you'd still do a quick count to be on the safe side. She thinks veracity's a fashion designer. It's an impossible choice, why couldn't I get something simpler like turning off a life support machine."
Fellow committe member Tom Watson agreed, and said: "Christ, and then you're left with the option of believing Piers Morgan; a guy who is rumoured to have given a false name during his wedding vows. If his pants were anymore aflame, you'd think Hell was having an open day."
The ten committee members discussed the matter for over nine gruelling hours on the day following Ms Mills' allegations, but failed to reach a consensus on how to proceed. Talks went on into the night, until two members required medical attention and another was briefly hospitalised.
On social network Twitter, MP Louise Mensch confessed that if she hadn't 'got a bit monged' halfway through, she'd have probably taken her own life. In a statment to the press she explained, "You would imagine that coming from a world knee-deep in Nixons, Clintons, Aitkens and Archers this would be shit off a bull's back. But this is probably the first time I've encountered two people capable of four-faced lying."
Labour MP Jim Sheridan added it 'would be immensely helpful to the work of the committee if both Morgan and Mills would agree to appear before MP's; and then on their way in, drive off a cliff'.
In the wake of the committee's decision Ms Mills' has made futher allegations. She claims to have evidence that Mirror reporters were minituarised and injected into her bloodstream in order to find out what she was thinking; that while in Piers Morgan's company he admitted he was a warlock and that she witnessed him drink the blood of kittens.
In turn, Mr Morgan issued a counter-statement arguing that while the alleged illegal hacking was taking place he was playing cards with royal butler Paul Burrel and former Prime Minister Tony Blair. He added that if anyone doubted his word, they'd almost certainly believe them.