PC Andrew Jenkins feels isolated amongst his colleagues as he is the only remaining police officer in the country not to feature in a fly on the wall documentary.
“Thanks to brilliant and excellent shows such as Cops, Sky Cops, Traffic Cops, Cops with Cameras, Police Interceptors, Street Crime UK, River Cops, and the Bill, every officer in the country has now made a TV appearance.” PC Jenkins told us. “Unfortunately for me, I was off sick with a paper cut when filming took place at our station. I’ve tried putting myself forward for some of channel 5’s other excellent reality shows including America's Hardiest Workforce, Ice Road Gritters, Extreme Fast Food Cookery, or WHEN THE WORLD'S MOST OVER ENTHUSIASTIC AND SHOUTIEST VOICEOVER ARTISTS ATTACK, but without any success. So Big Brother 2011 really is my last throw of the dice. Except of course for Big Brother 2012.”
PC Jenkins continued “The other officers are always calling me a no-body, and are constantly re-playing their moments of glory on the video player at work, which strictly speaking should only be used for zooming in on smashing tits and arses on CCTV footage…and watching porn of course. I have therefore decided to apply for a place on this year’s Big Brother. I feel I can add an element of police state to proceedings which Orwell would approve of. Although I obviously acted like an annoying egotistical twat in the interview tape and constantly referred to myself as being ‘a bit wacky’.”
PC Jenkins’ colleague, TV’s PC Adam Cornball also spoke to us “PC Nobody was unlucky that it was his turn to be on the sick when the film crew arrived. Although to be honest it was all a bit odd. The producers seemed more interested in filming us arresting petty criminals, drunks and shoplifters, rather than depicting an accurate day in the life of an officer, which is of course spent harassing minorities, taking bribes from newspapers and getting free food from take aways.”
After our interview with PC Jenkins he has in fact managed to find his 15 minutes of TV fame, but not through his Big brother ambitions. We regret to report that yesterday he was arrested for being too diligent in his homework and downloading all of Gary Glitter's back catalogue while researching for a transfer to CEOP.