The NHS has come under fire once again after a Panorama report showed that it is ‘systematically failing’ lovesick Britons by cutting back on the number of trained 'lurve' doctors. It has also been revealed that existing junior love doctors are working ‘to the point of exhaustion’ to keep the love train on the rails.
‘I'm at my wits end,’ rumbled whistleblower and love consultant Dr. Barry White. ‘With 1 in 3 marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system, patching up the salvageable relationships during the slow songs in the hope that they will improve over night whilst leaving more serious break ups to slowly ebb away in the corridor - ohhh yeah...’
Pressure groups like the British Single-But-Looking Society have also slammed the NHS’ recent performance. ‘I was hoping for a step-by-step guide through the intricate dance that is Human courtship,’ complained one unreciprocated admirer, ‘but instead I was advised to corner the woman I love, drop my trousers and shout ‘how’s about that then?’ It’s hardly chocolates and roses is it?’
The problem is also compounded by the fact that many love doctors are leaving the NHS for the more lucrative private market – a tragic waste of resources according to the BSBLS. ‘There are thousands of working-class lonely hearts desperate for assistance while these private guys sit idle – for some reason octogenarian millionaire businessmen can attract attractive oriental babes three times younger than them without the aid of an advisor – it boggles the mind.’
According to Dr. White, the British love advisory system lags considerably behind continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour –France by the next day at least. Italian singletons are fighting off potential mates with a stick - mmmmmhmmmm...’
Government steps to reduce the waiting time for the lovelorn by setting up a special emergency helpline have also come under criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ recalled one elderly suitor. ‘I was advised to consult page 27 of the Karma Sutra and arch my back before putting my left arm under her right leg, thus stimulating Mildred’s clitoris with my elbow. Unfortunately I was on my mobile at the time - I don’t think I’ll ever get invited to the bowling club luncheon ever again.’
(Written with some manly advice from Quaz and some gentle prodding from Oxbridge)