The England and Wales Cricket Board has launched an emergency inquiry into the crisis in the English game.
ECB President Lord Buffington said action was essential to halt the England side’s alarming slide into success.
“We must act now to restore those values so dear to the English game,” he said. “Abject batting, comical fielding, wayward bowling and a culture of pitiful defeat. The sort of attitude so splendidly exhibited by our soccer team.
“That brand of English cricket was our country’s way of saying sorry for the empire, and it fulfilled a useful humanitarian role in that it gave the poor Australians something to feel good about, a rare thing for a nation so quiet, shy, humble and self-deprecating.
“People from Yorkshire are having to find complimentary things to say about England players, and that is causing them enormous distress. Only yesterday Geoffrey Boycott was obliged to smile and be positive on television and radio. You could see how much it hurt.
“What’s particularly worrying is that the present England side actually has some English players in it, apart from the odd Trott or Pietersen, of course, and that is a development that concerns us.
“The last time something like this happened, we had to get Michael Parkinson and H.D. ‘Dickie’ Bird to drink Freddie Flintoff under the table and then pour him into a pedalo. It was Parky who smuggled his stash of finest Moroccan Blue into Ian Botham’s hotel room to terminally damage his successful career, and it was good old Dickie Bird who volunteered to shag Mike Gatting after the last successful Ashes Tour of 1986-7.
“This distressing habit of winning again and again is really going to have to stop. Frankly, it’s just not cricket.”
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
Cricket chiefs launch emergency inquiry into crisis in English game
(13 posts) (9 voices)
-
FraserWords
offlineMemberPosted 2 years ago # -
Like it. We're in serious danger of becoming the number one ranked team out of the 7 teams that actually play test cricket. Now that's an achievement.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mention cricket = 5 stars from me. Writing a jolly good article helped too, of course. To make things worse Geoffrey Boycott actually apologised for some thing on test match special the other day, APOLOGISED! Scary times, maybe he'll be giving his wife a call..
Posted 2 years ago # -
FraserWords
offlineMemberScreenie, I heard the apology and spat coffee all over my desk. Perhaps if they get Shane Warne to leave that Hurley bint alone for a minute or two and come out of retirement the English batting will start collapsing like a house of cards all over again
Posted 2 years ago # -
It's clear that India have taken over the key role of Test Cricket clowns from England, especially in the areas of occupying the crease for the shortest possible time, idiotic tennis shots and feet rooted to the crease in fear, bowling helpful long-hops to help opposing batsmen get a feel of the wicket, and comical fielding that my 3-year old would be embarrassed about.
It's time to wrest this cack-handedness back from India before our reputation for sporting cluelessness is seriously undermined, starting at Edgbaston.
Posted 2 years ago # -
theumpire
offlineMemberEnglish cricket needs a new chief coach. This chap Flower may be okay at cricket management but where's the flair? I feel that Phil Tufnell can bring back that "je ne crois" factor which is missing nowadays - a few fags before start of play and tinnies in the drinks breaks would help us regain our rightful position in world cricket - just above Zimbabwe.
(I have heard a rumour - unsubstantiated as yet - that David Blunkett is training as an umpire under the mentorship of Marais Erasmus, the umpire who helped Broad to his hat-trick in the second Test.)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Midfield Diamond
onlineMember... and whatever happened to that English cricket tradition commonly known as the middle order collapse?
... or the main reason for the English captain electing to bat first on winning the toss being "to avoid the follow-on" ?
It's a disgrace and something has to be done.
Posted 2 years ago # -
FraserWords
offlineMemberPhil Tufnell for England coach - oh yes. Or Miranda Hart.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Never mind Tufnell, it should be Flintoff who should get them on the straight and narrow path to the Knacker's Yard of Test Cricket.
I'll tell you who is letting England get away with it: MS Dhoni. If a captain manages to get out lbw first ball while not playing a shot to Jimmy Anderson then what chance have we got?
Posted 2 years ago #
Reply
You must log in to post.