Fierce competition broke out in the Dragons’ Den last night as all five venture capitalists battled to secure their investment in a potentially lucrative arm-breaking contract.
Darren Payne, a retired bricklayer from Fulham, was demanding £50,000 for a 20% stake in his fledgling limb-mangling enterprise which intends to offer revenge-hungry millionaires high-quality fractures at a fraction of current black market rates.
Brimming with confidence, the entrepreneurial thug was unsurprised that his proposal had courted so much attention from the Dragons.
“You name it; cars, girlfriends, bins... I’ll smash it, and limbs are no different. I’m the best in the business and my prices are much lower than my maim competitors. I offer a service that costs your enemies an arm and a leg, not you.”
Duncan Bannatyne, who was keen on securing Darren’s services to ruin the ulnas of a man who threatened his daughter on Twitter, made the first offer but soon found himself in a bidding war.
“I offered him the full £50,000 with a guaranteed job already lined up; but I wasn’t accepting anything less than a 40% stake. When the other Dragons undercut me, I had to declare myself ‘out’. Protecting my daughter is one thing, but it’s got to be at the right price.”
In an attempt to differentiate themselves from their rivals, Peter Jones and Hilary Devey expressed interest in developing the idea into a specialist ‘on-location dislocation’ service, but were encouraged to walk away from their ‘joint’ offer ‘while they still could’ by the enraged hopeful.
“Listen, I didn’t get my NVQ in Advanced Scapula Damage for nothing. I’m here to entirely destroy appendages, not just inflict a niggling bit of jip.” he said.
In the end, it was Theo Paphitis and Deborah Meaden who, following aggressive negotiation, sealed the deal with a remarkable offer of £100,000 for a mere 1% equity stake between them. Their newest, and most violent, business partner told an intimidated Evan Davis of his delight.
“I’m well made-up, obviously, and I’m sure we’ll make a great team. I'm ready to get started just as soon as they're released from intensive care.”