Congress vowed to get the USA back on track yesterday through passing a vetting procedure designed to fast track the "right people to lead our nation into the future" into senior posts in government and industry.
"Who are the right people?" said republican house leader Boehner. "Well not women, obviously - their hormones are all over the place. Then the biological alarm clock goes off, and pouff! One minute professional lawyer, next minute they're all like , boo hoo I miss my kid."
The full list of "persons automatically considered unsuitable for high office in this land unless they're really, really rich - in which case we might consider it" runs to three pages, and includes "people of colour - unless they can prove they have no chip on their shoulder, Jews - unless in financial positions and able to demonstrate normalcy through the repeated eating of cheeseburgers, and "anyone whose parents clearly weren't clever enough to make a whole pile of cash"".
"Yeah, we looked at positive discrimination but decided it was against republican principles" said Boehner. "It may be true that men whose grandparents made their money for them are a persecuted minority in this country, but that persecution makes them all the stronger. A man who can defend his unearned inheritance from taxation is exactly the kind of guy you want on hand when negotiating with the chinese".
If the experiment succeeds, rumours are circling within the tea party movement of a return to hereditary government. "If they ain't taxed, why represent them?" said an anonymous senator. "I'm voting for King Bush I, and his son, and his son - as long as we can still shoot things."