The world of athletics was given a glimpse into a potential nightmare future today as Sports Science researchers staged a mock "Olympics" in a closed-doors Wembley Stadium to demonstrate the power of the new generation of artificial stimulants.
"It was purely in the interests of science, I can assure you," said Dr Helmut Quartz of the Budapest Sports Institute in a post-event statement. "There's no way in the world that these pharmaceuticals could ever be widely distributed. They are under lock and key for all time. I'll stake my reputation on it. All right?"
Nevertheless, film of the occasion obtained by NewsBiscuit hackers, sorry hacks, reveals startling results as club level athletes were put through their paces after voluntarily submitting to "medication".
In the mile race alone a field of twenty broke three minutes with ease. In the high jump the athletes were matching pole vault records.
The hammer event ended with several seats in Row Z of the stadium smashed to pieces. And in the discus the very first competitor threw clean out of the stadium, writing off a Nissan Micra in the car park.
"Looks like we'll have to build much bigger stadia in the future," remarked Dr Quartz. "I'm joking of course. Remember jokes?"