International supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld is reportedly ‘hopping mad’ today after news that his plans for world domination could be set back by months due to problems with his secret volcano lair.
‘The whole thing has really blown up in my face,’ said Blofeld, ‘I thought that we had the ideal location to take over the world, hidden away in an Icelandic volcano. But it’s completely impossible to work in there now. You can’t see a bloody thing.’
Blofeld, who was hoping to achieve his dream of world domination by next Tuesday, is now adjusting to the fact that his dastardly plans could face major delays. ‘The whole project is already seriously over budget,’ said the ashen-faced criminal mastermind, ‘and the builders say that they can’t even look at the volcano until the middle of next week.’
‘If it’s not one thing, it’s another,’ said henchwoman Rosa Klebb, ‘although he’s only got himself to blame. If only he had stuck to the Giant Laser like I said, then we wouldn’t be in all this mess. But, oh no! He knew better. He thought he could build a Giant Lava Gun.’
The problems with the volcano have also created major disruption to the day-to-day work of the global criminal organisation, SPECTRE. ‘Most of our operatives have been grounded for days,’ said agent Kronsteen, ‘I have been forced to postpone a number of high profile assassinations and this afternoon I was supposed to be stealing the warhead from a nuclear submarine. It looks like I will probably have to cancel that as well.’
Blofeld, who is currently holed up in a static caravan just outside the volcano, vowed to continue. ‘I don’t give up that easily’ he said, stroking his cat Sooty, ‘if only I could devise some sort of evil scheme that would bring the world to a standstill.’