As physicists in Hong Kong proved that photons cannot exceed the speed of light, thereby eliminating the possibility of time travel, producers of BBC’s Dr Who have embraced the need for an overhaul. “The whole premise of the show has been undermined” said director Toby Featherlite “if there’s no possibility of something becoming reality one day then people just give up on it – look at the Liberal manifesto. So we’re taking the show in an altogether more realistic direction’
The most visible change is the replacement of the Tardis with a Toyota Prius. “We had to lose the police markings, because that’s actually an offence, and when you go inside, it’s exactly the size you’d expect”, said Toby “as we’re limited by the laws of Einsteinian physics”. The inability of the Prius to travel on any medium other than tarmac is not an issue, as future episodes are to be set in Slough, Doncaster and Coventry. “There is an episode set on Aldebaran”, continued Toby, “but viewers will have to wait 450 million years to see it as that’s what it takes the light to get here”
Meanwhile there were angry scenes at the filming of the latest episode as rookie make up assistant Shaniqua Brown attempted to follow the new realism guidelines by removing the gruseome bony protuberances from Benedict Cumberbatch’s face. “I thought he was made up as an elephant man or whatever, and it looked well over the top’ she explained, ‘but it turns out he was born like that, poor sod – eyes like pissholes in the snow”.