A new service is being offered to the socially inadequate, so they can pretend to live life in the fast lane. For a price, a 'strop-A-gram' will turn up to your party and make it an event no-one can forget. No matter how hard they try.
Derek Shard is the founder of 'Domestic Incident Ltd', the first agency that guarantees a party will make the local news. So far, Derek is the only person available for hire, but his capacity for drink means he can attend up to five parties in one evening. As Derek explained: "30 quid? To kick the shit out of your house? Done. Make sure there's plenty of booze."
Shard is a master at acting up and has a number of characters to choose from. 'Angry drunk' is the most popular, but he's also adept at 'lecherous uncle', 'broken curfew' and 'smack head'. Reaction so far has been massive. "I hadn't asked him to punch my fiancé William, but he threw that in for free", said Susan Fingle, a shy office clerk in Hatfield. "He's a polished performer: the IT department are still talking about it. They're amazed that someone can urinate into a fruit bowl from the mantelpiece, and I'd like to think some of his shine splashed off on me."
Shard prides himself on his imagination. "His brother's in the police, so he nicked his uniform", explained Nigel Frisk, who booked him for his 21st birthday. "He kicked in the door and did a drugs raid 'improv'. My friends from chess club were completely taken in by his 'vicious assault' and his fake anger at not finding any cocaine. Astonishing. Roger should be out of hospital quite soon, the Gazette said doctors have removed most of the glass from his anus."
Sometimes, Shard stays in character for weeks at a time. Martin Phillpot had a party at his parents' house that went national, in a performance that defined Shard's career. "He climbed out of the neighbour's skip, smashed my kitchen window and broke in, stark-bollock naked. He's really good at faking the smell of gin and 'pretending' to throw up on the nibbles, and when he felt up Auntie Glenda and was arrested for sexual assault I knew I'd make the Dunstable Echo. I'm going to book Derek again, as soon as he's out on bail."
Shard hopes to break into film studios one day and has already appeared on Pinewood's CCTV, carrying a hammer. Martin is sure he can find an opening. "The industry already has a body double for him, he's done a lot of his stunts on Crimewatch. Shard's a proper method actor. The magistrates reckon he deserves an Oscar for his most recent performance. He could go far, if it wasn't for the electronic tag."