The US president last night tried to play down fears of impending 'economic meltdown' from a stuttery video address in a small corner of the nations' internet browsers.
Bemused Americans watched their leader's attempts to enlist support for a viable alternative to disastrous debt default with a crackly, out-of-sync plea for 'commitment and togetherness' framed by unequally-sized jpegs of Brazilian runaways and NBA All-Stars. Illicit sports broadcasts across the country were interrupted by a heavily perspiring Obama, who appeared to have been drinking. At one stage, after jabbing a chicken bone at TV footage of 'that turncoat honky Boehner' for a solid nine minutes, the head of state then urged voters to, "put the goddam Cheetos away for a second and turn down the pool heat, cause this shit is going nuclear."
The Commander-in-Chief then proceeded to paint an increasingly bleaker picture as he swigged from a bottle of Wild Turkey and puffed intermittently on what political analysts referred to as a 'six-skinner' from his Oval office ashtray.
Despite the move being described by Republicans as a desperate 'claw for public sympathy', the endless stream of chatbox obscenity down one side of the president's broadcast appeared to suggest otherwise. "LMFAO" said one. "Air Force 1 be trippin'" said another. "WTF?," said a third, before an advert for thrush ointment and 'Violation of Terms' message finally cut the broadcast short.
Others were not so enamoured of Obama's impassioned, cut-price attempt to engage them with the reality of their plight. One cable freeloader vented, in Comic Sans: "Top of the ninth, bases loaded, and this fool comes bustin' my balls. Thank Jebus for Livestream."