Climate Scientists seeking to explain the extraordinary lateness of this year’s Tit Monday, the first monday of the year on which women deem it warm enough to shed those extra layers, believe they have fingered the sun as the likely cause.
By plotting the number of sun spots on the x axis versus historical kit-off dates on the y axis, John Tyndall, tit-obsessed Professor of Meteorology at Reading University, claims he has found a clear correlation between low sun spot counts and colder winters.
Professor Tyndall believes the sun was also responsible for the period known as The Great Breast Drought, a period that ran from 1450 to 1850 during which winters were harsh, tops stayed on and frost fairs were regularly held on the Thames. Such conditions were reported by the noted diarist and dirty bastard Samuel Pepys:
‘The thirteenth day of May in the year of our Lord 1642. Alas, while the wind doth remain in the east, the arryval of Tit Mondaye is to the goode people of London nought but a dream. Verily, not a single cleavage could I spy on my perambulations twixt Whitehchapel and Stepney Green. Though as I came within earshot of Bow Bells, a girl of some ill repute did take it upon herself to raise her skirts skyward affording me an ample view of her cunny. After stopping to engage my tumescence, I was moved on by the Parish Constable.’
Despite this misfortune, Pepys’ day was not entirely ruined as he later found himself at a gentlemens’ club sitting across from an old portrait of Queen Elizabeth I in a low cut dress, which , according to Pepys :
‘..shewed just enough tit as to reinstate my former proudness. Indeed, such was my desire for the virgin monarch and so lifelike her image, I was able to confirm that a bit did leake out. In my defence, her depyction hath impressed upon me that she was clearly gagging for it..’
Tyndall has warned breast fans that as solar activity continues to dip, we could be heading into a prolonged period known as a Maunder Minimum characterised by fewer sun spots, bitterly cold winters and long roll-neck jumpers which leave far too much to the imagination.
‘While this may provide some respite from anthropogenic global warming, it’s very bad news for those with a penchant for big melons. Red-blooded fellas should seriously think about moving to the south of France.’
‘At this latitude warmer temperatures coupled with a liberal beach policy mean you don’t have to walk very far without copping an eyeful, whereupon one might be prompted to ask ' Si vous vendez ces chiots, Je voudrais celui avec le nez rose! '
'Or - if you're selling those puppies, I'll have the one with the pink nose'