After centuries of research by visionaries who have sometimes risked their lives when defending their theories, one man has revealed that science is no more complex than Lego. Richard Hammond, using just a leather necklace, an oversized watch and unusual hair, has presented his findings in a new documentary.
"I once lived in a house. There was a field outside. I saw a rabbit", explained Hammond, with a look of grim determination on his face. "Holes sometimes go down a long way. And have rabbits in." The revelation somehow explained at a stroke how volcanoes and earthquakes occur, and was backed up by some persuasive computer graphics. Hammond expanded on his theory succinctly: "cool."
But the diminutive knowledge guru had more to come. If he's correct, there are 'pipes and stuff' under some houses, and 'water can go away using computers'. To cap it all, at the very heart of our planet, Hammond claims there is 'the middle'. Stephen Hawking disputed some of his findings, but was quickly proved wrong by Hammond doing some donuts in a Ferrari.
With film evidence that rocks are big, the sun is far away and clouds are fluffy, Hammond has started a bitter feud with the Vatican. They have demanded that he halts his investigations immediately, fearing his research could undermine the Catholic faith. An unrepentant Hammond stated "There are lots of horsepowers in lava. Brrrrm." The pope issued a statement claiming that although the findings were almost impossible to comprehend, he feels sure that God had ultimately created our world and faith was inherently personal. Hammond was quick to respond: "You drive a Fiat. Haha!"
Hammond has fundamentally altered our view of the world. Without his insight, we wouldn't know that diamonds are shiny, fire is hot, and turtles are 'all swimmy'. But he hasn't stopped his hungry thirst for knowledge: one day, he hopes to explain the secrets of time itself, by driving into James May's Porsche and setting fire to a caravan.