As prices reached record highs this week, scrap gold dealers have been accused of increasingly strenuous tactics in procuring the commodity from the public.
"It's not enough that they saturate the media and set up stalls in shopping centres any more," said resident Norris Pickering, from a pool of blood in Croydon. "Now they're jumping out from behind rhododendrons, snatching the rings from your fingers and the sovereigns from your neck. It's scandalous."
"We liken it to the organ donor card," said an unrepetant spokesman. "The fact you're carrying [gold] on your person obviously indicates a wish to part with it at some point. We merely hasten the arrival of that moment to maximum effect, usually with a well-timed blow to the base of the skull. It's almost completely painless, and the lucky recipient wakes up to find a lovely brown envelope of cash tucked into their breast pocket. We don't go for teeth or any third-finger-left-hand stuff like some of our competitors. Oh, and sentimental locket photos are always returned to the victim - I mean customer. We mainly lick and stick 'em to their insensate foreheads to be fair, but it's the thought that counts."
The COSH 4 GOLD representative then went on to describe items such as belly rings and tongue studs as 'fair game' "Like I said though, you'd be surprised what the really unscrupulous dealers will resort to. We don't get involved with genital piercings for hygiene reasons, but I've seen many a bag of clitoris allsorts tipped into the smelter down the road at 'Dosh For Vajazzles', mark me."