Do you feel the weight of the world news on your shoulders? Is the burden of proof too much to bear? Do you have a laptop that contains evidence that you lied to the Commons Select Committee?
Well worry no more, the highly-flammable brooksack is here! Available exclusively in a slippery red finish, this must-have accessory can incinerate what might incriminate from a range of 8 miles. The active charcoal lining will filter even the smokingest of guns, and there's a matching umbrella to protect you from fall-out.
Compatible with some PCs and all makes of computer, the patented, petrol-soaked 'Goretext' lining keeps you home and dry. Don't dump it in dustbins, hide where you've wheelie bin! You can stay out for longer with Brooksack.