More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform
Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.
‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said.
Britain’s royalty now safely back to being a bunch of bores, says Palace
"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace. "And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out. "From time to time, mavericks crop up
P&O launches small-boat crossings for Brits fleeing UK
Ferry operator P&O has today launched a new ‘small-boat crossing service’ for UK nationals fleeing the rise of Reform. “We know the political climate in the UK is forcing decent people to seek safety overseas,” said a P&O spokeswoman. “These are scared and desperate people, so we want to support humanitarian efforts by providing them with a safe and reliable exit route to start a new life across the Channel.” Travellers are advised to book early to avoid disappointment, with
China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump
"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One. "I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me. "Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future
Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects
Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place. Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain. 'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.' 'Righ
Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly
Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it. Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price. Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused
Deported migrant got more than £500
Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today. The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500. Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff. 'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost
Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million
Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill. "Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once th
Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days
Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people. "Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a
Porridge reboot planned
TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence. There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue: ‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habi
