Seismologists across the world have concluded that the eruption of a volcano in Iceland that has brought chaos to air travel all over Europe was caused by the sudden end of a five-year tantric sex session between rock star Sting and his actress wife Trudie Styler.
Eylaffjalajokull had been dormant since 1821, but began rumbling early last week and is now spewing a vast column of ash into the atmosphere. This was triggered by instability in the Earth's crust when the former Police lead singer was unable to stay in the vinegar strokes into a fifth month.
'This couple had been holding their position since January 2008,' said leading vulcanologist Professor David Storey. 'Unfortunately the pent-up tidle wave of love juice that erupted at their Wiltshire love-nest set off a chain reaction in the Atlantic that finally released billions of tons of magma from underneath the volcano.'
Tantric sex is something or other to do with Hindu spirituality, according to tabloid journalists who have looked it up on Wikipedia. It means retaining a sexual position for months on end in order to release your chakras, whatever they are. According to some, it is also useful for recycling smutty euphemisms on quiet news days.
'If it's my fault, I can only apologise,' said the ashen-faced singer. 'My guru said that I needed to stay in position until November next year in ordr to attain enlightenment. Well I'm certainly enlightened as to how it makes you red raw. Do you mind if I go and lie down for a minute?.