Controversy reigns in Galilee today, after it emerged that the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ was an elaborate stag-night prank. It was believed that the spiritual leader had been crucified and performed yet another gratuitous miracle by returning from the dead. Mourners, including Jesus’ wife-to-be, the whore Mary Magdalene, attended the Messiah’s final resting place, only to find the Son of God alive and claiming that he had returned from the afterlife.
However, the Herod Herald! can report that the Prophet DID NOT die, and was NEVER resurrected. Three days prior to Jesus’ alleged return, one of his disciples approached off-duty members of the Roman Legion, and paid the 30 pieces of silver to stage a mock-abduction. After plying the Savior of Man with copious amounts of ‘miracle’ wine and feeding him only tiny portions of really thin bread, the disciples carried the inebriated preacher to Golgotha (a well-known drop off point for stags), tied him to a cross with his pants around his ankles and adorned him with a sign reading ‘Enter into the Lord’. Jesus was left until morning when he awoke under pain of hangover, and nursing a tender rear.
Somewhat alarmed at the plight of the God’s left-hand, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the disciples fabricated the death of Christ in order to allow for his recovery. Once his wounds healed sufficiently, Jesus shuffled gingerly from the cave and attempted to sneak off, when he was met by his soiled bride-to-be, and proclaimed himself risen from the dead. ‘It was the sensible option, really,’ explained Judas Iscariot the main conspirator in the farce. ‘I mean if Mary found out what happened she’d go off it, and she’d never believe why he was limping, especially after last time. We thought about saying He’d gone off into the wilderness again to “battle with the Devil”; He was always doing that, especially after a night out, so she wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. But we thought that we could use it to keep the old “miracle” thing going; after all, it was getting more difficult to find more fantastical feats to pull off and “J” was worried that people were getting a little bored. People are still talking about Noah with his Ark and Moses parting the Red Sea, so we figured we could use it to go all out!’
Taunted by rumours sensationally confirmed today, Jesus has become increasingly marginalized, and has made only fleeting appearances in public, freelancing as a ‘Good Fishing’ guide and asking party-goers to ‘feel his wounds’ at the May Day festival.