David Cameron denied today that the discovery of a kangaroo head on his pillow this morning was anything to do with the wrath of a mysterious underworld figure known only as ‘M’, and was, in fact, the cornerstone of a bedtime routine unbroken since childhood.
‘I can understand your surprise’, stated the Prime Minister, but I want to make it perfectly clear to the British people, as I made it clear to Sam on our wedding night, that beddy-byes-time just doesn’t cut it without the reassuring presence of a freshly-severed biped marsupial cephalos. Sam asked if I could replace it with a toy - or failing that something less obtrusive, like a wallaby - but finally accepted me for who I am. Today I ask you to do the same.’
But within hours Mr Cameron’s account was being called into question. A contemporary at Eton, speaking anonymously, said ‘I can remember rousing to the sight of various antipodean heads on Dave’s pillow, but generally those of the human male, and almost always attached to the living torsos. Now if you’d said ‘Roger ‘Skippy’ Norris’ that would have been different. Claimed he got the predilection from a nanny called Iris.’
‘M’ himself refused to comment, but a source close to him said ‘maybe it was the Don, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe people who ask for the votes of the people at the wedding of the Don’s daughter Elizabeth should show a little gratitude, eh?’
Despite raised eyebrows amongst colleagues the Prime Minister appeared to retain the support of his cabinet. ‘We just have to accept David has feet of clay, and head of Kanga’, said education secretary Michael Gove. ‘It can’t be ‘M’. ‘M’ would have decapitated a creature much closer to Cameron’s heart. Like George Osborne. Or Nick Clegg.’
‘Michelle, get me that address book labelled ‘Andy’s mates’ will you?’