The Helix aspersa, or garden snail, can normally expect to live within a total area of 20 feet. With a top speed of 1.3cm per hour and a strong homing instinct they are not know for their extensive travelling.
However research performed by the University of Coventry’s Dr Brian Harrison Phd, has provided surprising results. “We electronically tagged a number of snails to provide data on their homing instincts” he told us “whilst most snails lived within very confined perimeters, the results from one snail shocked us all.” Initially tagged in a small garden in Canley Coventry, the snail was discovered near some lettuces and tossed over the fence by the garden’s owner Mrs Brown, into the garden of Mrs Pease at number 38. This process appears to have then repeated itself some 2000 times until the snail finally came to rest in a school field in Dudley.
Dr Harrison continued “We would love to further our research as I believe snails could well be travelling up and down the country via a serious of over arm tossers.”
The snail in question was unavailable for comment. However his brother gave us a short statement. “That fucker thinks he’s something special since he’s been travelling .Well he can go fuck himself.”
Dr Harrison commented “With both male and female reproductive organs. The snail in question is indeed fucking him/herself as we speak”