A Word From The Chief Executive
I am sure you will be as disappointed as I am with our most recent setback at the hands of The Blues. On this occasion their Cameroonian attack force proved too slippery for our flat back four. They also benefitted from some dubious refereeing and let us not even mention Johnson’s infamous tackle! Unfortunately we are struggling to compete on a level playing field with the likes of these millionaire clubs. I have, therefore, instructed the head groundsman accordingly. He has agreed to broaden the targets previously set, and has re-staffed the joinery department in line with our goal widening policy.
There are those who have questioned some of the decisions taken by first team coach, Petr Mendelssohn. Allow me to make it clear, I am fully in support of his decision to drop both left and right wingers and play the ball down the middle. Whoever smuggled the listening device into his half-time team talk should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, but, incidentally, if he was heard to characterise this new approach as ‘hit and hope’ this is entirely in line with the sense of optimism which pervades the club. This is succinctly encapsulated in the new club motto: ‘Let us all hope for a fair sometime in the future.’ We have great ambitions for the coming season and hope to put the club at the heart of European competitions. As it has never been before. Mendelssohn also has my full backing in his brave decision to leave the subs bench empty. Change is for the weak. Change is for the vacillating. Change is an admission that you got it wrong first time. There will be no such admissions on my watch!
There has also been speculation in the press concerning the club’s finances. The doubters should be aware that I and Sheikh Gaddafly, the new owner, are in total agreement on this. With his record of financing organisations in the British Isles and my record of business acumen, the club is on a sound footing. Very soon we hope to be in a position to make some key signings. If anyone knows of the whereabouts of the club cheque book, Mr Mendelssohn would be grateful for its return. He thinks it might have fallen out of his pocket somewhere near the technical area following his, as it turns out, premature victory jig. In the meantime, we are supplying buckets for any supporters normally resident in the UK for tax purposes who should see fit to support us in our endeavours. Not that we are in any way relying solely on foreign talent. Oh, no, indeed. Head of the academy, Edvard Balsupp, is particularly proud of the progress made by his special needs unit. The key indicator shows that our investment in young, local talent will soon be paying dividends. One of our star students has already achieved one hundred consecutive keepie-uppies!
Let me take this opportunity to extend a big ‘Thank you’ to all those who were here to see the Aneurin Bevan End re-inaugurated as the Blare Memorial Lecture Tour Executive Box and Wine Bar Stand. Unfortunately I was unable to see the return of our former star striker, but understand that two seasons in the MLS have left him with a healthy tan and a winning twang. I am pleased to report that the top scorer for the 1997-8 season has agreed to be presented to the crowd at half time during our next reserve team fixture away to Dingwall Academicals on Wednesday. Please accord him the reception he so richly deserves!
There is no truth in the rumour of us negotiating a ground sharing agreement with our near neighbours Loch Leven Democraticals. As far as I am concerned, they have trespassed too much on our turf already! Nor do I wish to further endanger the green shoots of recovery that Shitti Vandriva, our former Ugandan centre back, noticed near the penalty spot last season. Furthermore, the Democraticals should remember that they are not even in the same division as us, and it is no good them whining that the league rules are biased against them. It has always been the case that promotion requires a majority vote from rival teams, irrespective of the final league table. It has ensured stability in our game for centuries. Long may it continue!
Unfortunately we have had to terminate a few contracts as a result of recent regrettable newspaper headlines. David Cheater claimed for a first class return ticket to Inverness when, in fact, he journeyed in the team minibus concealed in a hoodie from the club shop. The discrepancy came to light when it was pointed out that Anstruther Halibuts do not, if truth be told, play in Inverness. Elliot Murkey has also been released, for claiming a hoodie from the club shop. In the light of these excessively publicised expenses claims, I reassure you that I will leave no stone unturned in rooting out anyone already exposed by mass circulation media outlets or, indeed, The Glenrothes Shopper.
This leaves me with a chance for a few brief updates:
- Ally Derling is back in training, but remains short of match fitness.
- Minibrand Senior, has been sent out on emergency loan to Dynamo Bishkek, this follows his brief stay with the Bangkok Pistons, which, unfortunately, did not achieve the desired result.
- Hettie Harmless, in line with our policy of extending opportunities, will now have full control of the instant hot water dispenser at all home matches.
Finally, it is with greatest sadness that I have to report the death of Prudence, the club cat, who was crushed beneath our mascot, Prezzta John, during a goalmouth incident. I am sure you will join me in a minute of silence in memory of our longest serving employee at the next home game. This will be followed by a minute of clapping in memory of Charlie Clerk.