Public health charities are up in arms following Domino's launch of the 'pizza smoothie'. The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a 'healthy breakfast' by the firm. But some scientists claim that at 4,500 calories, it's a liquid heart attack.
The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The 'cheese-stuffed crust' was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
Since the revolution, most pizzas, dough-balls, side-salads and table cloths now bulge with a quivering mass of molten mozzarella. But this was only the beginning. Pizzaland have taken things a step further by offering to inject cheese straight into a customer's arm, or both arms for a fiver on Tuesdays before 7.
Health experts have warned of a possible link to raised cholestrol levels, but a spokesman for the company dismissed the report: "Cheese is made of milk, which is good for you. If our customers are really worried, they can substitute some of the croutons in their side salads for sweetcorn, or limit themselves to just one pint of thousand island dressing."
Keen to keep up with the Luigis, Pizza Express have started to offer a 'hôllo cal-orie' pizza, consisting of a minced Big Mac topping and a side-dish of double-fried 'salad' chips. "They're a bit like normal chips, I admit", said marketing manager Susan Rosetti, "but potatoes are vegetables, and there's a picture of a farm on the menu."
Representatives of the industry feel they've been harshly treated. "When calculating the calories in a pizza smoothie, scientists took no account of the energy required to suck cheese through a straw, especially if there's pepperoni in it. As with everything, it's a question of balance: a slice of our new stuffed crust cheesecake can easily be worked off by yelling at the kids, or gasping for breath."
Some English councils are insisting pizza restaurants use a system of 'traffic lights' on their menus, with directions to the nearest A&E department. But the pizza smoothie is a hit north of the border, where it's now available on prescription. A Scottish health minister explained: "The spicy vegetarian smoothie contains more vitamin C than most Scots could dream of. On top of that, no-one's figured out how to deep-fry a drink yet."