After 13 years toadying to Rupert Murdoch, Gordon Brown is finally ready to lift the lid on the ruthless press baron.
Brown and his friend Tony Blair went deep under cover in order to gain the confidence of the monster. In that time, they conducted an illegal war, changed government policy to suit News International's interests and regularly leaked secrets to Murdoch's papers. These actions helped them to gain favour with Murdoch, who regularly summoned Blair and Brown to meetings, and sent his underlings to meet him in Downing Street.
Now, after being passed over for promotion in favour of David Cameron, the ex prime minister is ready to speak out. After 13 years of working closely with the press Baron and his henchmen, Brown has many stories to tell.
"News International invaded my privacy," sobbed Brown, who now knows exactly what it's like for ordinary members of the public whose privacy has been invaded. Brown told how he'd been smeared in public. Now he knows what it's like to be on the wrong end of a smear campaign by a powerful organisation of spin doctors.
The wounded ex prime minister claimed that News International would frequently make things up that had no basis of truth. "This is utterly despicable," said his friend Alistair Campbell, celebrated authority of the The Dodgy Dossier and the Weapons of Mass Destruction, a work of fiction that changed millions of people's lives forever.
Finally, having taken all his best years, Rupert left Gordon at the ballot box, and ran off with a younger model.
"Rupert Murdoch is ruthless, immoral and despicable," said a spokesman for the jilted ex prime minister, "and Gordon should know. He spent thirteen years kissing his arse."