Psychiatrists up and down Britain are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a Swindon couple, Paul and Sophie Rice, announced that they were seeking marriage guidance because of a crisis in their relationship. Many of them have been staggered to learn that the pair seriously expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.
‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly insane Paul Rice, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a data exchange software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from every other married person in the entire sodding country.
Paul and Sophie first met at the University of Lancaster in 2000, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2007, mainly because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither of this apparently intelligent couple has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.
‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie Rice, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from their contrasting preferences for spa weekends and shopping on one side and golf and computer games on the other. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she continued, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming her sister’s name (Julia) when he climaxes, like he does when he slips off to the bathroom every other night.
Leading marital therapist Dr Julian Hobbs added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations, we refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for and I need the money, so bring ‘em on.’