Ed Miliband has received a welcome boost in popularity, following consultation with media specialists. Criticised recently for his stilted responses, weak voice and unrealistic face, the leader of the opposition has been remade by Hollywood, and voiced by James Earl Jones.
"Ed isn't the most natural performer in front of the cameras" explained his press advisor. "In fact, 61% of our test audiences thought he was made from plastercine by Nick Park. They were really worried that he'd lost his dog." These findings are supported by an increase in cheese sales during Miliband interviews, and a reluctance to let him near radiators.
The Miliband press office explained why James Earl Jones was a perfect choice to dub the new leader: "Our surveys tell us that people trust and respect James, he adds credibility to all sorts of flimsy characters. He can get away with saying the same sentence over and over again, and people just lap it up."
Trials have been run to film Ed in 3D, to try and add a bit of depth to his performances. Clutching a bat, Ed bounced a ball on a bit of elastic towards the camera to avoid difficult questions. "People love those 3D jokes" explained Ed's animator. But the trials weren't a success: "For some reason, Ed just stayed in 2 dimensions. The background was entirely believable, but he looked like a cardboard cut-out. It was like watching the opposite of Paddington Bear."
Some have questioned the choice of actor for the voice work, but a casting director was quick to defend the decision: "James Earl Jones may be best known for his 'Darth Vader', where he played a wheezy, unemotive leader controlled by a shadowy master. But we prefer to focus on his work in 'The Lion King', where he stood up for truth and righteousness, and was involved in a bitter power dispute with his bro...oh."
Casting is already taking place to find a body-double for Ed, to further improve his popularity. After identifying a need for a tall, friendly character, Ben Fogle and Lenny Henry are the current bookies' favourites. Senior Executives are delighted with their premiere, and are already planning a sequel to Ed Miliband: "We'll concentrate on making the plot more believable, and we'll probably change his name to David".
Neither Miliband I or II will be shown on Sky.
Hat-tip to Dick Everyman