Ed Miliband’s chief adviser was today forced out of the closet which contained his blue ties, blue socks and a David Willets blow up doll. Since taking over as leader in September, Miliband has been advised by Rory Nichols, now exposed as an undercover Conservative party member sabotaging Labour.
Journalists from Wapping Worldwide revealed the Tories’ deplorable antics.
The paper’s staff are tied into contracts until either their death or the paper’s closure and are only remunerated with free copies (to increase distribution). Being desperate to meet the same fate as News of The World, they decided to get in on the hacking scandal. Having hacked Paul Daniels’ phone and discovered that for all these years his “magic wand “has been a sickening euphemism guising intentions Garry Glitter would approve of, the paper decided not to publish the revelations. “They were in the public interest and thus justified the hacking”, reporter Ronnie Higgins told us. “We needed something below the belt. We considered hiring a private detective to kill a schoolgirl, then hiring a private investigator to hack her phone but we think the public are now desensitized to hacking dead children’s phones”.
In the end the best they could get was Rory Nichols. Messages were left from Oliver Letwin advising Nichols to “tell the dim witted Harry Potter extra lookalike: a blank sheet of paper is the best policy; bring back that bafoon Balls as shadow chancellor; abolish voting for a shadow cabinet and hire Neil Kinnoch to advise on engaging red tops”.
Margaret Thatcher left a message saying: “tell him to pull his pants down next time he’s on the BBC”. Doctors say she does not have dementia yet, which is worrying.
A message from poor old Miliband himself reveals his depressing ignorance of the country’s workings. Regarding Mervyn King, whom he asked Rory to invite to join his PR team, he says: “I’ve heard he’s got special powers that can increase people’s interest rates”.
Unsurprisingly no one of importance from the Tory party was available to talk but we did bump into Ken Clarke outside his local Indian. He said, “I’m utterly disgusted and betrayed by Rory’s behaviour. If he’s going to have a blow up doll of a withering Tory it should be me”!
David Cameron, another unimportant Tory, told us “Miliband, or anyone for that matter who is obviously lying through their teeth about unethical practices should be given a second chance...”