There are fears that the BBC's news department may have to close this week, following 'catastrophic' levels of people reporting sick. The recent closure of the News of the World has led to a string of self-inflicted injuries, mainly to wrists and genitals. "The place is literally creaming itself red-raw", said a member of St John's Ambulance.
The Sunday paper has long been known for salatious tittle-tattle and raunchy pictures, but the final issue was described as 'the ultimate jazz mag' by one news anchor. "Just look at it, it's gorgeous, the last-ever issue of Murdoch's favourite rag. I've not been so aroused by a news story since Boris Johnson was caught inside the wrong lady."
There were reports of similar onanistic sprains at several rival newspapers. The Observer came with a free 'blow-up' copy of Rebekah Brooks, her mouth caught in an embarrassing 'oh!'. "Every time I see her blown up, I'm so overwhelmed with a sense of moral superiority, I can't help but 'knock up some column inches'," admitted one anonymous reporter. "I'm not normally into red heads, but there's just something delightful about watching her squirm."
Presenters on Radio 4 have been making odd groaning noises midway through reports on phone hacking, and technicians are struggling to explain rhythmic knocking noises from News 24 desks. There are fears Robert Peston might have permanently damaged his eyesight.
Media health experts are seeking assurances that a 'Sunday Sun' is in the pipeline, so that the risks to reporters can be minimised. "It's all very well seeing News International getting a well-deserved rogering in public, but we don't want the public to think that all journalists are wankers."