Conservative Party leader David Cameron has boosted his party’s green credentials by finally agreeing to exploit the vast energy-harvesting potential of his forehead and be fitted with solar panels. Scientists believe that with a good summer and the ongoing natural recession, Cameron’s bonce could soon be generating enough energy to power an offshore tax haven for non-domiciled party donors.
‘When people think of David Cameron, they think of the guiding light that only he brings to British politics,’ said a Tory aide today. ‘In fact his stature as a leader is such that many have to avert their eyes. Hairline to brow and temple to temple, there’s no question he is the candidate with the qualities needed to power this nation. We urge voters to choose hope over fear, light over dark, and sustainable energy production over more normally-proportioned head frontage.’
Although members of the Conservative front bench regularly make use of Cameron’s forehead to check their ties and make-up before press conferences, the party has long been searching for a more profitable way to harness the untapped potential of its leader’s impressive frontispiece. ‘We thought about selling it as advertising space,’ said the aide, ‘and Boris is keen to use it as an alternative to a third runway at Heathrow, but we’ve been hampered by red tape since David’s face was designated an area of outstanding cosmetic beauty.’
Scientists, though, are confident this could be the answer to Britain’s energy problems. ‘There’s no doubt it’s quite a sun trap,’ said one today. ‘These unspoilt expanses do occasionally occur in nature, but I’m sure those formative years spent in over-enthusiastic forelock tugging have helped up the acreage. Either way, we’ve seen recent year-on-year increases in Cameron’s cranial circumference, so the future looks very bright indeed, unless you’re right behind him, that is.’
Despite the glare of publicity accompanying the Conservative party’s announcement, motoring groups are concerned about the risk to traffic posed by David ‘The Human Lighthouse’ Cameron. The warning follows an incident yesterday when a pedestrian was forced to dive into a front garden in fear of his life after being blinded by the headlights of an approaching vehicle that turned out to be David Cameron and William Hague on campaigning duty. ‘I’ve never voted Tory before,’ said the man, ‘but it’s anyone’s guess where that cross ends up now.’