Doctors warned today that those embracing religion in adult life are often not receiving the vital medical attention they need to avoid potentially dangerous complications during labour. As a result, the lives of born-again Christians are routinely being blighted by incurable conditions such as smugness, chronic evangelism and an inability to conduct a conversation without mentioning the name ‘Jesus’.
‘Sometimes when people find God, they happen across Him when He’s in the middle of something pressing like smiting a sinner or distracting starving children with a rainbow,’ said Dr Forstadt, author of a new study in The Lancet. ‘Just occasionally this means that those being re-made in His image miss out on important finishing touches like tolerance, a sense of one’s own worth or separate eyebrows. The only known treatment is to keep them segregated from the rest of society and give them remedial treatment each Sunday.’
The study examines the gestation of born-again Christians, noting that many report experiences similar to that of pregnant women. ‘I suffered awful cravings as I prepared for my re-birth,’ said 35-year-old Rebekah Wade. ‘They lasted 17 years and I put on eight-and-a-half stone. In the end I couldn’t make it out the front door so I opted for a home birth.’
Doctors also record countless instances of painful and protracted labours, with many of the redeemed only emerging into the light after decades spent in local government or accountancy firms. But the study does give hope to future converts by suggesting they can ‘help nature along’ by cultivating a history of failure with the opposite sex, something many are only too well placed to do, even if they just fall short of the criteria for becoming a born-again virgin.
Born-again Christians, though, have reacted angrily to the study’s findings. ‘These doctors don’t realise what a profound effect their ill-informed words can have on society,’ said one. ‘And in many ways, that reminds me of Jesus.’